Day 1

For quite some time, I have not been seeking God as I should. It has resulted in weakness, depression, loneliness, and being downcast. Instead of pressing on, I have been looking behind. So today I pick up my bible and I study this: Seeking God.

The truth is… (and this is all over the bible)… that Christians are not seeking God. Instead, they complain about why they cannot find Him. But the answer is so simple: they do not seek.

Deu 4:29 “If from there you will seek the LORD your God, then you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and soul.
Deu 4:30 “In your distress, when all these things happen to you in days to come and you return to the LORD your God, then you will hear his voice.
Deu 4:31 For God is compassionate. The LORD your God won’t fail you. He won’t destroy you or forget the covenant that he confirmed with your ancestors.”

What a great promise, that we do not seek after because it takes effort. It takes a letting go of what WE want and a looking to what HE wants.

1Ch 16:8 Give thanks to the LORD, calling on his name. Make what he has done known among the people.
1Ch 16:9 Sing to him, sing psalms to him, and think about all of his miraculous deeds.
1Ch 16:10 Find joy in his holy name; let the hearts of those who keep on seeking the LORD rejoice.
1Ch 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength. Always look to him.


Psa 34:8 Taste and see that the LORD is good! How blessed is the person who trusts in him!
Psa 34:9 Fear the LORD, you holy ones of his; for those who fear him lack nothing.
Psa 34:10 Young lions lack and go hungry, but those who seek the LORD will never lack any good thing.
Psa 34:11 Come, children, listen to me, and I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

Lately, I often hear Christians complaining that they have not tasted the good of God; they only notice the pain, the things taken away, there is no note of goodness, joy, or love given by God. These are often young Christians who must be urged and made to follow after God. How dare we blame God! It is our own spiritual laziness holding us back from seeing the great glory of God.

Act 17:26 From one man he made every nation of humanity to live all over the earth, fixing the seasons of the year and the national boundaries within which they live,
Act 17:27 so that they might look for God, somehow reach for him, and find him. Of course, he is never far from any one of us.
Act 17:28 For we live, move, and exist because of him, as some of your own poets have said: ‘For we are his children, too.’

How sad is that? That He isn’t even far! He just waits for us to turn to Him.

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope.
Jer 29:12 When you call out to me and come and pray to me, I’ll hear you.
Jer 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.
Jer 29:14 I’ll be found by you,‘ declares the LORD, ‘and I’ll restore your security and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I’ve driven you,’ declares the LORD. ‘I’ll bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.’

We just need to call – to pray – to seek and HE WILL hear, find, and be found. Praise God!

Mat 7:7 “Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.
Mat 7:8 Because everyone who keeps asking will receive, and the person who keeps searching will find, and the person who keeps knocking will have the door opened.
Mat 7:9 “There isn’t a person among you who would give his son a stone if he asked for bread, is there?
Mat 7:10 Or if he asks for a fish, he wouldn’t give him a snake, would he?
Mat 7:11 So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who keep on asking him!

Mat 5:6 “How blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, because it is they who will be satisfied!




As the arrow pierced her heart agony was absent

The shock of the truth sharp like glass

separated the flesh and left a slow bleed

the sweetness of memories of a life once shared masqueraded the agony that lay ahead

As the trickle became stream pain crept in unlike she’d ever experienced

she gazed at others eyes for empathy but found  no one who understood her fate

gasp for help she would if she could but speak

alas the faintness overwhelmed her

sweet memories became bitter nightmares

Life replaced by apathy

sentiments with scoffs

Her strength failed

Lost life felt as but a dream

and waking up: terror





The Beauty of It

The more beauty I see in Him
The more my ugliness is apparent
As He shows me how great His Love is
I realize what I could never be
The splendor of His mercy to make found one that was lost
To open the eyes of the blind to the beautiful tragedy their sin cost
And before we could be cast away forever Cast down in shame
He embraces us, lifts our face to His sun, And gives us a new name
I am no longer who I was
I am found in Him
All that I am has dissipated
Who I am is no longer me
The beauty of letting go that which you clung onto so tight
The fear of not knowing what this dividing asunder brings
The mystery of your love is what draws me in

Our Current State

Our generation is overcome. We are not fighting. We have lost. Where are morals, values, beliefs, and loyalty? We are in a generation that not only accepts sin, but embraces it; “you only live once,” right? Many are without hope, lost in the loneliness of their minds. Pain seems overwhelming. I could go on and on. But it is OUR fault. We blame so many: our parents, people who hurt us, the government, etc. You cannot put your problems on someone else’s shoulder. None of us have had perfect lives, but life is a fight. We can’t blame our problems. “I have anxiety.” “I have depression.” “I was abused.” “I have a disability.” We attempt to numb ourselves with medications, drugs, alcohol, sex, distractions, entertainment. In a state of apathy, we think “Whatever will be, will be.” We are all hurting. WE have got to stand up and fight. We are going to have to get a hold of God and not let go, holding on for dear life. No one is teaching us right from wrong. The prosperity teachers on TV aren’t going to do it. Christianity has become something to mock – As a Christian, I find it disgusting. “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” (DC Talk)

Since no one else wants to say the problem, I will. Per surveys completed, 2/3 of the US feel they know right vs wrong. Perhaps where we should start is with was taken out of the schools: the Ten Commandments (ever heard of them?).

You are to have no other gods besides me. You are not to make for yourselves an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above, or on earth below, or in the water under the earth. You are not to bow down to them in worship or serve them; because I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the iniquity of the parents, to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing gracious love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

(Exo 20:3-6)

Did you know only 11% of our generation are certain there is a God? Compared to 34% of Baby Boomers – and this includes Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, etc.

… We know that no idol is real in this world and that there is only one God. For even if there are “gods” in heaven and on earth (as indeed there are many so-called “gods” and “lords”), yet for us there is only one God, the Father, from whom everything came into being and for whom we live. And there is only one Lord, Jesus the Messiah, through whom everything came into being and through whom we live.

(1Co 8:4-6)

Gods are not the only idols. An idol is anything you put before God. Who do you put first? What would you give up for Him? What do you give your time to? Where is your heart? Many it is just ourselves – we hold the seat of our hearts. We live for us and what we seek, want, desire. Do we ever seek God and His will?

“You are not to misuse the name of the LORD your God, because the LORD will not leave the one who misuses his name unpunished.

(Exo 20:7)

Why is it that you never hear Muhammed’s name shouted a swear? Buddha? One of the Hindu gods? Oh no! that might be offensive. But “Jesus Christ” is a common exclamation. How about “God damn?”

“Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy. Six days you are to labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. You are not to do any work, neither you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your livestock, nor the alien who is within your gates, because the LORD made the heavens and the earth and the sea, and all that is in them, in six days, then he rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

(Exo 20:8-11)

Forget just going to church every Sunday! Do you ever have one day where you just rest and meditate on God? One hour? How often do our minds even think on Him? Do we give Him any of our time? Yet we wonder why we do not see him doing miracles, we do not hear Him talk?? We ignore Him and yet expect everything from Him in return. We only pray when there is trouble, someone is dying, or we are at the end of ourselves. Now Jesus Christ fulfilled the Sabbath for us. He was the ultimate sacrifice. He gave all and we give him nothing.

“Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.

(Exo 20:12)

I will give you this – that many parents out there today are “Do as I say, not as I do.” Or like many, do not feel the need to discipline their child but let the child find their own way through life. What a cop out! You are a parent – that is your job.

But to those children who had parents that at least tried, how often we disobey. I urge you to read the scriptures below:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

(Eph 6:1-4)

My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother:

(Pro 6:20)

Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.

(Pro 23:22)

He that wasteth his father, and chaseth away his mother, is a son that causeth shame, and bringeth reproach. Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge.

(Pro 19:26-27)

Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness.

(Pro 20:20)

“You are not to murder.

(Exo 20:13)

There were 15,696 murders in 2015. Jesus, Himself, goes one step further, commanding:

“You have heard that it was told those who lived long ago, ‘You must not murder,’ and ‘Whoever murders will be subject to punishment.’ But I say to you, anyone who is angry with his brother without a cause will be subject to punishment. And whoever says to his brother ‘Raka!’ will be subject to the Council. And whoever says ‘You fool!’ will be subject to hell fire. “So if you are presenting your gift at the altar and remember there that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and first go and be reconciled to your brother. Then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your opponent while you are on the way to court, or your opponent may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. I tell you with certainty, you will not get out of there until you pay back the last dollar!”

(Mat 5:21-26)

“You are not to commit adultery.

(Exo 20:14)

57% of men report cheating, 54% of women. 22% of men cheated while married; 14% of women. 95% of people have had premarital sex!  The very word adultery means sex outside of marriage. Did you know that only 6% of virgin-marriages end in divorce? And that’s just for the woman being a virgin – not both! I find it heartbreaking that people call themselves Christians but do not follow this commandment. You scorn others for their sexual skin (homosexuality, cheating, porn) and yet you are no better – sin is sin.  On the subject of porn and “just looking”:

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

(Mat 5:27-30)

“You are not to steal.

(Exo 20:15)

27,000,000 have shoplifted or stole – roughly 1 in 11. Not to mention stealing from the government, fraud, etc.

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

(Eph 4:28)

“You are not to testify falsely against your neighbor.

(Exo 20:16)

Gossip is an ugly sin. The bible calls it back biting. So often we beat others down, and lift ourselves up. What if they are hurting? If you were in their exact situation perhaps you would do the same thing. We do not always understand each other’s actions, but we are no better.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

(Eph 4:29)

“You are not to spread a false report, nor are you to join forces with the wicked to be a malicious witness.

(Exo 23:1)

If anyone thinks that he is religious and does not bridle his tongue, but instead deceives himself, his religion is worthless.

(Jas 1:26)

Do not criticize each other, brothers. Whoever makes it his habit to criticize his brother or to judge his brother is judging the Law and condemning the Law. But if you condemn the Law, you are not a practicer of the Law but its judge.

(Jas 4:11)

The power of the tongue is life and death—those who love to talk will eat what it produces.

(Pro 18:21)

“You are not to covet your neighbor’s house. You are not to covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

(Exo 20:17)

For the wicked one boasts about his own desire; he blesses the greedy and despises the LORD.

(Psa 10:3)

Instead, each person is tempted by his own desire, being lured and trapped by it. When that desire becomes pregnant, it gives birth to sin; and when that sin grows up, it gives birth to death.

(Jas 1:14-15)

Of course, godliness with contentment does bring a great profit. Nothing to this world we bring; from it take we nothing. With food to eat and clothes to wear; content we are in everything. But people who want to get rich keep toppling into temptation and are trapped by many stupid and harmful desires that plunge them into destruction and ruin. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, in their eagerness to get rich, have wandered away from the faith and caused themselves a lot of pain.

(1Ti 6:6-10)

“That’s why I’m telling you to stop worrying about your life—what you will eat or what you will drink—or about your body—what you will wear. Life is more than food, isn’t it, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky. They don’t plant or harvest or gather food into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. You are more valuable than they are, aren’t you? Can any of you add a single hour to the length of your life by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Consider the lilies in the field and how they grow. They don’t work or spin yarn, but I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. Now if that is the way God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and thrown into an oven tomorrow, won’t he clothe you much better—you who have little faith? “So don’t ever worry by saying, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ because it is the gentiles who are eager for all those things. Surely your heavenly Father knows that you need all of them! But first be concerned about God’s kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be provided for you as well. So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

(Mat 6:25-34)

“Again, you have heard that it was told those who lived long ago, ‘You must not swear an oath falsely,’ but ‘You must fulfill your oaths to the Lord.’ But I tell you not to swear at all, neither by heaven, because it is God’s throne, nor by the earth, because it is his footstool, nor by Jerusalem, because it is the city of the Great King. Nor should you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. Instead, let your message be ‘Yes’ for ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ for ‘No.’ Anything more than that comes from the evil one.” “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evildoer. On the contrary, whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go two with him. Give to the person who asks you for something, and do not turn away from the person who wants to borrow something from you.” “You have heard that it was said, ‘You must love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, so that you will become children of your Father in heaven, because he makes his sun rise on both evil and good people, and he lets rain fall on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Even the tax collectors do the same, don’t they? And if you greet only your relatives, that’s no great thing you’re doing, is it? Even the gentiles do the same, don’t they? So be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

(Mat 5:33-48)

Now with all this said, things may feel hopeless – a threshold which we cannot reach. And you know what? It’s true. We will fall short, and that is where Christ comes in. However, that does not give us the justification to continue in it.

So, what am I getting at? The hypocrisy of my generation. You think there is no God? IF there was how could things be so hard, so painful, so full of destruction. Well, we got ourselves here. He is just waiting for us. It’s our move. Are we going to seek Him? – Truly? Because it does involve the above.

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.

(2Ti 3:1-8)


No wonder there is so much destruction on the world right now…


It’s funny how every text I get, I hope it’s you. Every call. I eagerly await the day of your return. Until then, I am left with the feeling of emptiness… aloneness. I know I am not, but it hurts without you. You were always there for me when everyone else left. You and I, we stuck it out. We weren’t going to give up for anything. If anybody failed, not us two. And yet here we are. Feelings are fleeting, trusts broken. Everything I once knew has gone. If it was not for God Himself sticking around I could not go on. I thank Him for being there. The only hope I have. Hope that one day all these pieces may be put back together. Him being the glue that holds it tightly so. I hold to this hope. It is all I have.



When tennis-ball sized hail fell in Cheyenne a few weeks ago, it shattered our glass table into a thousand smithereens….

And when the words fell and the friends turned on their heels, and the silence prevailed, I felt something else shatter as well.

I’ve scarcely thought about the pile of glass in my front yard…but there are other broken things that I constantly grate and tear, that worked their way into my dreams.

And today I wanted, as close as I ever have in my life, revenge. For them to harvest a small sampling of the pain they’d forced me to reap.

But the only one gathering anything was me, when mom called me out front to help pick up all the glass.

I crouched and peered at the dirt and debris around me on that lawn. Some of the pieces were large, piled together, easy to find. Others were…

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Nights are darker now 

your shadows fill the room 

your smile haunts my memory 

the pain of death too soon 

oh to hear your voice again 

that laugh I held so dear

the last hug before you left 

both our eyes filled with tears 

I thought I knew what suffering was 

that I’d experienced death 

I did not know how lucky I was 

or how I had been blessed 

life is short i’ve learned 

what are we living it for?

are we present here and now 

Or look only to the future?

one cannot predict 

we do not know our wants 

what we took for granted 

These are the shadows that haunt

Turning from the Way

I write today full of anger and sadness. I am not even sure if I can express the pain I feel in words. Over and over again I see individuals that call themselves Christians turning from God. It is not only the despair I feel of losing them but how soon Satan enters into their hearts and turns them against their previous brethren. Just as he did Judas – he enters that void that grows when we turn our back on the very One that is trying to love and save us. These individuals are so full of hatred and bitterness. They manipulate God’s people so that they can share in their blessings. They are blind to the pain they cause. How far will they go – until they completely destroy us?! How often we believe they have turned to God yet again – just to find they are using us! My heart breaks and I am unable to write without tears. So often I am completely destroyed by the ones closest to me. As they speak of how they are changing, my hopes grow so large just to have the rug ripped out from under me. People wonder why I cannot trust anyone or get close to people that I am not 100% certain are wholeheartedly after God. I can only hope God turns these individuals back to Him because I can’t – God! I wish I could!! As Paul said, I would give my life if only my brethren would seek God. But here I am hopeless – unable to do anything – watching them once again destroy their lives and bring it to shambles. Oh, how Jesus wants to prove his love to them but they keep running from Him with all their might. They despise His ways. They despise the cross. They refuse to give up their hopes, desires, and dreams that He might give them more than what they ever imagined. His Way may not ever be what we had in mind – but I can assure you in the end it will not disappoint. Thus, why this way is not often chosen and is less traveled. It seems dark and so against what WE had in mind and planned for our lives. But if we could only give up what WE want, He could shower us in the amazing thing He had planned. I choose to hold on against all hope – when everyone else seems to depart. It makes me hold on stronger. They may not want You, Lord; but I do! You are all I have God. I have given so much up to follow You- a sister, a potential husband, a father, a brother, and so many more I can’t begin to count. I thank you for those that You have given me that do not lose their hold of You – that have an even stronger grip than me. I thank You I am not alone in this fight for Life. And I can only pray Lord that you save those that You have chosen and bring them back to Yourself.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope. When you call out to me and come and pray to me, I’ll hear you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart. I’ll be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I’ll restore your security and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I’ve driven you,’ declares the LORD. ‘I’ll bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.’
(Jer 29:11-14)

This is one of the verses I hold to in these times. I may not know what God is doing or His plans – but I can completely trust in His ways and He will never disappoint.

sa 55:1 “Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters! Also, you that have no money, come, buy, and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Isa 55:2 Why spend your money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in rich food.  (Why do we insist on searching after THINGS instead of Christ Himself – He is the ONLY One that will satisfy our craving?!)
Isa 55:3 Pay attention to me, come to me; and listen, so that you may live; then I’ll make an everlasting covenant with you, as promised by my faithful, sure love for David.
Isa 55:4 “Look! I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.
Isa 55:5 “Look! You will call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that does not know you will run to you, because of the LORD your God, even the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you.”
Isa 55:6 “Seek the LORD while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.
Isa 55:7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous person his thoughts. Let him return to the LORD, So he’ll have mercy upon him, and to our God, for he’ll pardon abundantly.
Isa 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
Isa 55:9 “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isa 55:10 “For just as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, yielding seed for the sower and bread for eating,
Isa 55:11 so will my message be that goes out of my mouth—it won’t return to me empty. Instead, it will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isa 55:12 “For you will go out in joy, and come back with peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands.
Isa 55:13 Instead of thornbushes, pine trees will grow, and instead of briers, myrtles will grow; and they will be a sign for the LORD, and an everlasting name that will not be cut off.

We Are NOT Okay

We are not “okay.” Everything is not “fine.” This week I have had my eyes opened when they had become dull. I listened to David Wilkerson’s A Call to Anguish. The thought as already in my mind – but he brought to words so eloquently moved by the Holy Spirit. Christians have become passive. There is no anguish in our midst! No men and women of God who seek him, travailing in prayer- not just a “flash of emotion” but “weeping, mourning, fasting” as Wilkerson pointed out. He spoke of used men in the bible. God called them and did not make them prosper – he broke them to use them. They had to feel his feelings, be burdened with God’s burdens.

Christians are focused on the good and have the mind set of whatever will be will be. This is a passive type of thinking. Is that how Jacob approached God when he was scared to face his brother?! No! He fought with God, wrestling in prayer and fighting with God until he had saw the face of God. We often give up before we get the answer! I am guilty of this myself. I have changed. I have lost the anguish I have previously felt. I am not burdened enough! Where are the tears of my travail in prayer – absent? Have I lost my fire that burned before? How often in the old testament they lost their fight! I am telling you as Christians today – we have too! Do you fast? Do you seek God until He answers? Do you seek God at all in prayer? Can we even hear his voice any longer? Do you even get into His presence? Or do you believe God no longer does that? How sparse are individuals that do know God like that. If things are not born of agony, they are more than likely the flesh – our own will and way, what we desire.

God give us that cry! Let us feel your pain for the current condition of Your people! Let us sense the burden you have for the coming of Your Son. Break us Lord – bring us to the end of ourselves!