When tennis-ball sized hail fell in Cheyenne a few weeks ago, it shattered our glass table into a thousand smithereens….

And when the words fell and the friends turned on their heels, and the silence prevailed, I felt something else shatter as well.

I’ve scarcely thought about the pile of glass in my front yard…but there are other broken things that I constantly grate and tear, that worked their way into my dreams.

And today I wanted, as close as I ever have in my life, revenge. For them to harvest a small sampling of the pain they’d forced me to reap.

But the only one gathering anything was me, when mom called me out front to help pick up all the glass.

I crouched and peered at the dirt and debris around me on that lawn. Some of the pieces were large, piled together, easy to find. Others were…

View original post 144 more words


Nights are darker now 

your shadows fill the room 

your smile haunts my memory 

the pain of death too soon 

oh to hear your voice again 

that laugh I held so dear

the last hug before you left 

both our eyes filled with tears 

I thought I knew what suffering was 

that I’d experienced death 

I did not know how lucky I was 

or how I had been blessed 

life is short i’ve learned 

what are we living it for?

are we present here and now 

Or look only to the future?

one cannot predict 

we do not know our wants 

what we took for granted 

These are the shadows that haunt

Turning from the Way

I write today full of anger and sadness. I am not even sure if I can express the pain I feel in words. Over and over again I see individuals that call themselves Christians turning from God. It is not only the despair I feel of losing them but how soon Satan enters into their hearts and turns them against their previous brethren. Just as he did Judas – he enters that void that grows when we turn our back on the very One that is trying to love and save us. These individuals are so full of hatred and bitterness. They manipulate God’s people so that they can share in their blessings. They are blind to the pain they cause. How far will they go – until they completely destroy us?! How often we believe they have turned to God yet again – just to find they are using us! My heart breaks and I am unable to write without tears. So often I am completely destroyed by the ones closest to me. As they speak of how they are changing, my hopes grow so large just to have the rug ripped out from under me. People wonder why I cannot trust anyone or get close to people that I am not 100% certain are wholeheartedly after God. I can only hope God turns these individuals back to Him because I can’t – God! I wish I could!! As Paul said, I would give my life if only my brethren would seek God. But here I am hopeless – unable to do anything – watching them once again destroy their lives and bring it to shambles. Oh, how Jesus wants to prove his love to them but they keep running from Him with all their might. They despise His ways. They despise the cross. They refuse to give up their hopes, desires, and dreams that He might give them more than what they ever imagined. His Way may not ever be what we had in mind – but I can assure you in the end it will not disappoint. Thus, why this way is not often chosen and is less traveled. It seems dark and so against what WE had in mind and planned for our lives. But if we could only give up what WE want, He could shower us in the amazing thing He had planned. I choose to hold on against all hope – when everyone else seems to depart. It makes me hold on stronger. They may not want You, Lord; but I do! You are all I have God. I have given so much up to follow You- a sister, a potential husband, a father, a brother, and so many more I can’t begin to count. I thank you for those that You have given me that do not lose their hold of You – that have an even stronger grip than me. I thank You I am not alone in this fight for Life. And I can only pray Lord that you save those that You have chosen and bring them back to Yourself.

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope. When you call out to me and come and pray to me, I’ll hear you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart. I’ll be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I’ll restore your security and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I’ve driven you,’ declares the LORD. ‘I’ll bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.’
(Jer 29:11-14)

This is one of the verses I hold to in these times. I may not know what God is doing or His plans – but I can completely trust in His ways and He will never disappoint.

sa 55:1 “Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters! Also, you that have no money, come, buy, and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Isa 55:2 Why spend your money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in rich food.  (Why do we insist on searching after THINGS instead of Christ Himself – He is the ONLY One that will satisfy our craving?!)
Isa 55:3 Pay attention to me, come to me; and listen, so that you may live; then I’ll make an everlasting covenant with you, as promised by my faithful, sure love for David.
Isa 55:4 “Look! I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.
Isa 55:5 “Look! You will call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that does not know you will run to you, because of the LORD your God, even the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you.”
Isa 55:6 “Seek the LORD while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.
Isa 55:7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous person his thoughts. Let him return to the LORD, So he’ll have mercy upon him, and to our God, for he’ll pardon abundantly.
Isa 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
Isa 55:9 “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isa 55:10 “For just as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, yielding seed for the sower and bread for eating,
Isa 55:11 so will my message be that goes out of my mouth—it won’t return to me empty. Instead, it will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isa 55:12 “For you will go out in joy, and come back with peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands.
Isa 55:13 Instead of thornbushes, pine trees will grow, and instead of briers, myrtles will grow; and they will be a sign for the LORD, and an everlasting name that will not be cut off.

We Are NOT Okay

We are not “okay.” Everything is not “fine.” This week I have had my eyes opened when they had become dull. I listened to David Wilkerson’s A Call to Anguish. The thought as already in my mind – but he brought to words so eloquently moved by the Holy Spirit. Christians have become passive. There is no anguish in our midst! No men and women of God who seek him, travailing in prayer- not just a “flash of emotion” but “weeping, mourning, fasting” as Wilkerson pointed out. He spoke of used men in the bible. God called them and did not make them prosper – he broke them to use them. They had to feel his feelings, be burdened with God’s burdens.

Christians are focused on the good and have the mind set of whatever will be will be. This is a passive type of thinking. Is that how Jacob approached God when he was scared to face his brother?! No! He fought with God, wrestling in prayer and fighting with God until he had saw the face of God. We often give up before we get the answer! I am guilty of this myself. I have changed. I have lost the anguish I have previously felt. I am not burdened enough! Where are the tears of my travail in prayer – absent? Have I lost my fire that burned before? How often in the old testament they lost their fight! I am telling you as Christians today – we have too! Do you fast? Do you seek God until He answers? Do you seek God at all in prayer? Can we even hear his voice any longer? Do you even get into His presence? Or do you believe God no longer does that? How sparse are individuals that do know God like that. If things are not born of agony, they are more than likely the flesh – our own will and way, what we desire.

God give us that cry! Let us feel your pain for the current condition of Your people! Let us sense the burden you have for the coming of Your Son. Break us Lord – bring us to the end of ourselves!




“How did I get here?” I ponder as all signs of life fade from me. My eyes no longer glimmer. My skin has grown pale. It is cool to the touch. Exhaling, I produce nothing but ice. What happened? I let go. I let go of the One who melted my heart in the beginning. Now, I am colder than the first. My heart is as a heavy stone. Shatter me, my Love. Return and shatter me to bits. Leave nothing. Let your radiating heat, melt away my very existence. Let nothing be left but you. At least in the pain of it all, I would be able to feel.

A selfish predicament

Are we chasing God or are we chasing a miracle? Do we live life with hope that one day God will do this great thing and this is the main reason we do not completely release our grasp on Him? Or are we living each moment in life with our ear earnestly listening for that still small voice to direct our every move? Perhaps, we are the individual who takes everything personal. Looking for this personal request we have made known to God to come true. We believe wholeheartedly we know what God should and is going to do and we are waiting on that particular thing. Consequently, we have entered somewhat of an autopilot phase. Our daily lives can not really be used by God at all. We are so sure about our future, our ears could not receive any other direction by His Spirit. I fear to admit, I have entered into this predicament a little myself – or maybe a lot?

My great flaw may be hoping for something that is not His will after all. Or hoping in this thing so much, I become blind to what is happening in the hear and now. (1).png



I receive a daily devotional sent by a ministry of the belated, loved David Wilkerson. Today Nicky Cruz, a true testimony of a life turned over to Christ, sent a message regarding Phillip and the crucial importance of this man hearing the Spirit. Phillip listened for the Spirit’s voice even when it didn’t make sense. He had to be making a point to being pliable in his every day life and susceptible to that wind blowing that may change his directions completely.

I also received a excerpt from a great man of God named Theodore Austin Sparks. He spoke of Christians wrongly applying scriptures in prayer to back up our personal interests, wants, and desires. We wonder why heaven seems as brass, but we are not seeking the Lord’s will and ways but ours.

I must say, I know I have been that selfish individual in prayer. Possibly, I have even let go my hold some because I still have not received the answer to my own personal prayer. There is a want in me that is strong  – I do not wish to reveal at this time but I can ensure you it is no light request. The fact is I do not know yet if it is God’s will or not – but I have wanted it so much, for so long. I am hesitant and afraid it is not His will. But I do not want to be one holding back from God. Let me not forget my first love. Who found me when I had nothing. Who loved me when I had no one. What does he want for me? What am I missing in everyday life because I have become deaf, sitting in auto-pilot, waiting for my prayer to be answered. As if life could not go on without this prayer being answered. I have made it this far and He could get me through life without this request however. In fact, He could be it for me if I would let Him. I have long been proud of myself for my ability to hope in the unseen. However, my great flaw may be hoping for something that is not His will after all. Or hoping in this thing so much, I become blind to what is happening in the here and now.

Forgive me for my selfishness Lord. For not heeding to your Spirit every minute of everyday, but being caught up in my own desires. I give it over to you. Take my life and do with it what you please. Help me to learn to let you lead me and not to miss out on your Spirit and will. Help me to heed as Philip did so my life might not be one meaningless, that did not account much in your will and way.


Trusting Him

Exo 16:8 And Moses said, This shall be, when the LORD shall give you in the evening flesh to eat, and in the morning bread to the full; for that the LORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him: and what are we? your murmurings are not against us, but against the LORD.

Here is Israel, just making it to the wilderness of Sin. God had just done wonderful, amazing things and gave them quite the deliverance from Egypt. He had set them free from their oppressors. And yet so soon after, as soon as things got hard, they began to complain and murmur against God. You have to think these people are the most ungrateful individuals – however, to be honest, how often do we do the same thing. We seek God, He delivers us from our trial, and then so soon get complacent with the “good” being the “norm.” As soon as the trial eases up, we ease our hold on Him.  “The Lord heareth your murmurings.” The thought pierces my conscious. How often have I done such? God hears our unspoken, subconscious thoughts that constantly doubts his ability to continue to meet our needs. Another note is how often when their is a struggle or pain of transition we blame the brethren. So often a leader of sorts or the one who is seeking God the most and not relaxing their hold is the one persecuted! When we murmur, “I don’t understand why I hav to constantly look to he Lord and involve Him in EVERY decision – it seems impossible” or “They are too radical – there is no way to serve God that separate from the world-  mean we cant change the times or practices of modern day society.” These are just some light examples. But our “murmurings are not against (them) but against the Lord!” To allow that root of bitterness to spring into our hearts that first doubts God, then leads to untrust and death, and lastly hardness and rebellion – is detrimental. We must be wary of falling back in to the old “normal.” Comfort zones. Ruts. We are not like everyone else in this world who can just live life! In fact we are called to be separate. To be like Christ. To be a friend of the world is to be in enmity with God! Have we forgot the holy words of the bible. Even that word – “HOLY” in its origin means to “be separate.” Words we so often take for granted and assume they mean lack of sin are more than that. Holy. Pure. Separate. So many words that just truly mean to be different.

What did God do in this situation? He gave them what they wanted! He didn’t even began to argue. It would have gotten nowhere with the natural man – fighting against the flesh. Instead they ate to their glutenous desire. And when he offered something of Himself – Manna (a representation of Christ Himself), they would not have it. It did not suit their fleshly appetite. It tasted strange. Did not satisfy them in the way they desired.

Exo 16:28 And the LORD said unto Moses, How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws?
Exo 16:29 See, for that the LORD hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day.

Keeping God’s laws and his commandments are staying focused on His Word – which is again Christ Himself (See John 1) and what God has spoken through Him. He has taught us how to live life – as Christ. Jesus lived his daily life according to the Father’s will Constantly making every move only as it was in that will. Keeping the Sabbath is not about keeping some physical day – It is about resting in Christ. Sabbath was to point to Christ! – as most things in the old testament (the sacrifice, the temple, etc.). What we can glean from all this contemplation of this chapter of Exodus – is to trust God and to walk in Christ, seeking his will in our everyday lives, whatever that may lead us through. God will get us through it – even as miraculously as he delivered them prior from the Egyptians. We just must never let that root of bitterness or enmity against God began to bloom in us. No untrust but to cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us (as Peter said.)

God help me in this! Help us all! To trust you with our whole hearts no matter how things appear or seem. To trust that Your ways our above our ways and Your thoughts above our thoughts.

The One

I may be alone but I am not lonely. I may be only one but I have The One. No doubt I have had times of despair when no one could be tangibly felt, but He had taken that place of waiting and wanting and filled it with Himself. So I am okay and so are you, though we may not have that person to hold. Because we are in the hands of the Almighty God and that is the greatest love story told.


Have your joy

I have another kind

You may “only live once”

But I have eternal life

I may not have fortune, friends, and fame

But I know my Lord and he knows my name

So I watch as you live your life to the fullest

Never paying him any mind

But those who have life will lose it

And those who lose it will find

Eye has not seen

Ear has not heard

What waits for those who wait

So have your joy 

Mine lasts and is real 

It’s not temporary or fake

Masks are worn to hide the truth

The truth you know deep down

That your joy is not joy at all

And you’re just waiting to be found

Loneliness entraps you

As a boa constricts its prey

You’re haunted by your past regrets

So you numb them to keep them at bay

It may be a lover: whether object or being

To fill the gaping hole

But you can’t deny there is this great longing 

Of purpose in your soul

So have your “joy”

Though you now begin to see its ruse

That your joy is truly no joy at all

And that’s the cold, hard truth

“The bitter must come before the sweet

And that also will make the sweet sweeter”

So my sorrow now will turn to joy 

And my heart filled hereafter